1. jan 30, 2023
entry #1! great! although it looks kinda gloomy for a journal that's not supposed to be exclusively full of depressing things.
i don't think anyone cares but me. but it's kinda silly of me to just keep changing blogging sites/pages. i guess i have the freedom to do so... i just needed an outlet where it's safe for me to do so when journaling on my phone or wherever else is not enough.
the convenience of social media is nice, but it's too...open for me at times, even on tumblr. even if it's some small blogging site. it's too open. even though i know no one really actually reads my posts. i get anxious thinking that there's a chance that someone would be able to find what i'm saying and responding to it. and i know that it's the web. i know if i truly didn't want people to see my posts, i should private my accounts or i shouldn't post it at all. but idk there is still a part of me that still wants to be heard by someone, i just want to make it smaller. so that's why this is here.
this is like a void. or at least i hope so. because i'm tired of censoring myself and worrying whether i sound too pathetic or whiny or bitter or stupid or cringy. or whether i tagged or gave enough warnings so i don't accidentally a follower esp mutual. and i guess i'm tired of writing for an imagined audience and hoping that someone who follows me would read it and show they care in some way.
really pathetic stuff, but i guess i'm doing something about it, whether it's actually better or not is a different question.
but whatever. on i guess a more postive note albeit pretty anxiety-inducing, i don't work at my current job after next friday! gave my two week notice last thursday. so i hope the future will be kind to me as i need to relax and recover for an indefinite amout of time. i just felt like i was barely living almost every week only to start revitalizing during the weekends and start dying once again when sunday ends. i know i'm in a lucky situation to where i am able to do this, so i hope i'm able to figure out what i want to do in the future soon...
really i'm just excited to spend more time with bf... it was only about a year ago where we actually got spend time together esp all day and that was mostly during the weekends. well many of the weekends. he works long hours several days either day or night shift. and i work m-f evenings. and each time we spend together is not enough. it always feels too short. he's away too long and always tired. i'm always tired too. it's probably not healthy, but i just start feeling more alive little by little whenever i'm around him. i start to remember how to live again.
i especially just hope that i will regain the energy to start recovering my health and motivation to do things. sitting at my desk for several hours a week is not the worst thing in the world, but god does my body hate it lol. maybe i should've asked to switch to a day shift too... but oh well, i'm done. i just want to remember why it's better to keep living. even if the world is going to shit. i just hope i get to be able to for a long while.